And I Have Been Consumed by meus venator

Being unknown was preferable to that kind of celebrity, being detested was better than that kind of love.

But why not did I not love them in the same way I might an outstanding charioteer or a gladiator famous and acclaimed for his combats with animals, 60 but instead in a very different manner, a serious one, in the same way I myself wanted to be loved? I had no desire to be praised and loved as actors are, even though I myself used to praise and love them. (22) In those days I loved 59 people according to human standards, not according to your standards, O my God, for in you no one is deceived. Thus someone who is praised comes to be loved, provided that the praise is reliable, a declaration coming from a sincere heart: that is, when the person who does the praising is the same one who feels the love. (23) At ille rhetor ex eo erat genere quem sic amabam ut vellem esse me talem. ergone amo in homine quod odi esse, cum sim homo? grande profundum est ipse homo, cuius etiam capillos tu, domine, numeratos habes et non minuuntur in te: et tamen capilli eius magis numerabiles quam affectus eius et motus cordis eius. hoc et de histrione dicendum est, qui naturae nostrae socius est. ubi distribuuntur ista pondera variorum et diversorum amorum in anima una? quid est quod amo in alio? quod rursus nisi odissem, non a me detestarer et repellerem, cum sit uterque nostrum homo? non enim sicut equus bonus amatur ab eo qui nollet hoc esse etiamsi posset. sed tamen cur non sicut auriga nobilis, sicut venator studiis popularibus diffamatus, sed longe aliter et graviter et ita, quemadmodum et me laudari vellem? non autem vellem ita laudari et amari me ut histriones, quamquam eos et ipse laudarem et amarem, sed eligens latere quam ita notus esse et vel haberi odio quam sic amari. (22) Sic enim tunc amabam homines ex hominum iudicio, non enim ex tuo, deus meus, in quo nemo fallitur. hinc enim amatur qui laudatur, dum non fallaci corde laudatoris praedicari creditur, id est cum amans eum laudat.

And I Have Been Consumed by meus venator